The ancient Melhican Language

Melhican researchers discovered these
parodies, which are now believed to have
been written to make up for an inability to
figure out the real lyrics to popular songs.

Table of contents:

  • Read Melhi's poem "In Your Eyes" in Chicken Soup For the Mother/Daughter Soul!
  • Read and rate more Melhi (aka Moo Rocca) parodies on
  • Melhi's "Grandma Makes Her Living As a Stripper" parody is chosen the winner of the Amiright Nov. 2004 Song of The Month contest!
  • Melhi's parody "He's a Sore Loser" to The Monkees' "I'm a Believer" has been published as a guest parody on The Boot Newt Sing Along Page and has also been published in the Sept. 2, 2003 issue of the liberal web digest Uncle Ernie's Issues & Alibis.
  • "Michael the Weirdo Jackson" to "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer," inspired by a parody of the same name posted to, is back, by popular demand. Enjoy!

Michael The Weirdo Jackson

to Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
Alternate lyrics by Melhi 6-20-03

Well you know Tito, LaToya and Marlon and Randy
Janet and Rebbie and Jermaine and Jackie
But do you recall the most famous Jackson of all?

Michael the weirdo Jackson
Bought a very tiny nose
Slept in a sterile chamber
Cuddled up with Merrick's bones

He lured the little children
To his ranch with rides and games
He even bought a monkey
Bubbles speaks no evil shames

Then one shocking summer's eve
Grown-ups came to say
Michael drop your drawers, my boy
We're here to take some polaroids

That's when the grown ups cuffed him
But Michael saw the parents' greed
Michael the weirdo Jackson
Paid 'em off and went scot free.




Applied A Bunch of Stickers To My S.U.V.

to Tie A Yellow Ribbon by Tony Orlando and Dawn
Alternate lyrics by Melhi 7-9-05

I do my part, I pay my dime.
Now I help to gnaw a big bite out of crime
It's due to me the P.O.W.s will soon be free!
It doesn't take much work to do -- simple as could be!

It's.. done.. ea..sil..y,

Applied a bunch of stickers to my S.U.V.
This one over here,
Stamps out H.I.V.

This slogan, here, is fixin' our e-con-o-my,
Supportin' the troops
And veteran groups,
Ending poverty!
It's all by stickin' helpful stickers on my S.U.V!

Cure cancer, end lung disease
Win the war on terror single hand-ed-ly
Your little kid is missing? He'll be found because of me!
A simple plastic sticker's all we need to keep us free!
Achieve a lasting peace!

A pile of legislation will be his-to-ry
We'll get four more years
Cheaper gas-o-line
(Gas for free!)
Kids say no to drugs and it's because of me,
I've straightened the fags,
Protected my flag,
And I'll convert the whole wide world to Chris-ti-an-it-y!

Will the home team's fans be cheering?
In the bag, it's guaranteed!
I've stuck their mascot's sticker on my S.U.V.!

I'll bring 'em home, mmm hmm.

(Buy a sticker for your S.U.V.
Buy a sticker for your S.U.V.
Buy a sticker for your S.U.V.

Buy a sticker for your S.U.V.
Buy a sticker for your S.U.V.
Buy a sticker for your S.U.V.)





to Dizzy by Tommy Roe
Alternate lyrics by Melhi 10-1-03

Note: The narrator is an all-talk, fed-up, working stiff just blowing some steam

I'm so busy, making a living
For survival, I never live
And the taxman's coming again
It's making me angry

Ev'ry day I go to work
To make a little bread
For me and mine

The layabouts collect my dues
The rich are getting richer off my dime

I earn everything I get
But they keep taking more of it
'n so I end up working all the time

I'm so angry, my head is splitting
One more burden, I'll lose control
Climb a tower, bearing my load
'n then I'll start shooting

The bums don't want a job, "Boo Hoo"
But hold their hands out
Begging for my help

The rich are on a shopping spree
But I'm the one
Stuck paying off their bills

They're all on the dole, you see
Yeah, both sides get a piece of me
And let me keep too little for myself

I'll start shooting, not really aiming
Like a madman, seeking revenge
In the middle, bled from both ends
I'll make them all sorry
My head is splitting
I've been working, myself to death
In the middle, bled from both ends
It's killing me slowly
They call this living?
They're taking I'm giving




Grandpa's a Nutjob

to Up On the Rooftop (Reindeer Pause)
Alternate lyrics by Melhi 7-8-03

Up on the rooftop big steel jaws
In the path of Santa Claus
Crouched near the chimney, our grandpa waits
He's got a hankerin'
Reindeer steaks!

Ho, ho, ho
He wouldn't go
Ho, ho, ho
He wouldn't go
Off to the rest home
Sick, sick, sick
Grandpa's a nut job
Warn St. Nick!

Loading and locking
His shotgun shells
Oh dear Lord, no
Not the elves!
Plotting and planning
A big surprise
Warming the oven
For Christmas pies

Ho ho ho
He wouldn't go!
Ho ho ho
He wouldn't go!
Off to the rest home
Sick, sick, sick!
Grandpa's a nut job
Warn St. Nick!

He rigged the cookies
And glass of milk
Over a net
He's hopin' to fill
Pit full of charcoal
Dug out back
Waits for the haul
From his Christmas sack

Ho, ho, ho
He wouldn't go
Ho, ho, ho
He wouldn't go
Off to the rest home
Sick, sick, sick
Grandpa's a nut job
Warn St. Nick




Stealin' Movies

to 59th St. Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)(Simon & Garfunkel)
Alternate lyrics by Melhi 4-29-03

Sit down and lose the hat
Don't wanna hear your idle chat, Just
Sneaking in a microphone
Aiming a cam and stealing movies!
La la la la la la... Stealing movies!

Hello doorstop, watch that glowing!
I'm tryin' to tape the movie showing!
Hurry up and find a seat
Doo-doo-doot-doo... Stealing movies!
La la la la la la... Stealing movies!

There's just one scene to go, don't ruin it for me
If you can't hold your soda, don't order a drink
Get your screaming tot out of the seat next to me
Please I beg you. Stealing movies!
La la la la la la... Stealing movies!
La la la la la la... Stealing movies!




Little Monkee

to Little Maggie (bluegrass standard)
Alternate lyrics by Melhi

Yonder stands little Monkee
With a mic stand in his hand
He's singing here, tomorrow
He's the last one in the band

He used to grace the teenzines
Thought his star would always shine
Little girls were bound to love him
Little Monkee had it made at the time.

I'm going to his concert
With an LP in my hand
I'm hoping he will sign it
So I can sell it to some other fan

Last time I saw the Monkees
They were down from four to three
Now just one little Monkee
Takes the stage to sing for me.

Go on the road little Monkee
Go on and do the best show you can
Yeah, I'll miss the others
But I'll come because I'm a fan.


(Note:  This parody is not about a real or planned "...And then there was Onekee" tour. Since the UK leg of the JustUs tour, "The Monkees" has dwindled from four to three to two. While the shrinking of the act did inspire this parody, it is unlikely that either Micky or Davy would ever tour, alone, under the Monkees moniker.)



Psychic Phone Line Blues

to the tune of East Virginia Blues - (old bluegrass standard)
Alternate Lyrics by Melhi

I was torn
In two directions
Didn't know which way to go
So I called
A psychic phone line
Which path to take
I hoped they'd know

I sat on hold
For seven hours
B'fore someone came on the line
She said "I see
A big bill coming."
I asked "You do!?"
She said, "Yeah, mine."

I've lost my home
And my possessions
Just to pay that whopping bill
I'm in debt
No paths before me
It's been six years,
I'm paying still

So, if you're torn
In two directions
And you don't know which way to go
Please don't call
A psychic phone line
Just flip a coin
(I wish I'd known.)
I'd flip a coin
If I had known



Bleaque Alley

to Creeque Alley - The Mamas and the Papas
Alternate Lyrics by Melhi

Bill and Hilly been gettin' kinda chilly
Since ole Willy got some slick on the sly-y-y
And Starr boy Kenny tested Ms Lewinsky's
Dress to catch the Prez in a lie-ie-ie
The video is on sale at
(a store near you)
But who gets the profits, who gets the shaft?
Linda's little wire, Trippin' all the liars
In DC, you know where that's at
And transcripts of the chats...
Now, who leaked that?

Spotlight on Kenny asking 'bout Lewinsky
But the Prez didn't know what to do-oo-oo
Billy by golly, calmly swore he never touched her
Not like a lover would do-oo-oo
Our leader on the hot seat sat
(Oh semantics!)
Answered every question, Kenny could ask
Linda's little wire, Trippin' all the liars
In DC, the world's largest frat
The mess on that girl's dress,
Now who keeps that?

Kenny Starr went too far, talking 'bout the cigar
Spelled it out explicitly-ee-ee
Thought we wouldn't mind it, if the kids could find it
On the web for all to see-ee-ee
When Kenny got crass he gave excuse-eh-eh-es
Waltzed with the cameras, danced with the gooses
Linda's little wire, Trippin' all the liars
In DC, you know where that's at
Close your eyes and spin
You'll pin a rat

Big wheels, book deals, catch it on the newsreels
We said we didn't care, anyway-ay-ay
But they ram it
down our throats and cram it
In-to every space on the wa-a-aves
Is Monica a little fat
(Why do we care?)
Do we think she's cute in that stupid hat?
Linda on the wire, Trippin' all the liars
In DC, she's swingin' the cat
Politicians lie
Imagine that!
Doo do doot do, do doot do, whoa oh oh.

Bill's busted, disgusted
No one can be trusted
And Hilly wants to run for a se-ea-eat
Linda's trippin', Monica is thinnin'
Kenny failed attempts to impea-ea-each
Sleazin' on - Washington's elite are
No big thing, got nothin' on the press corps
Tough to keep a nation, Tunin' in the station
Got to have a scandal to lead
Though everyone is sayin' "we don't give a <bleep> so let it be."



Stalking Merry Monkee-men

to "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"
Alternate lyrics by Melhi
(note: This is NOT autobiographical!)

I follow merry Monkee-men
And everything they say
They're gods to me, I love them all
Am I obsessed? No way!
Call me groupie if you will
I really do not care
O...oh I want to be their cuddly toy
Cudd-ely toy... o OH I just want to be their cuddly toy.

On all their groovy albums I
Just know each song's to me
Every song they ever sang...
Except "Don't call on me"
And every time they play a gig,
You know that I am there
O...oh I want to be their cuddly toy
Cudd-ely toy... o OH I just want to be their cuddly toy.

I frame restraining orders they
Have sheriffs bring to me
And Nez's house is my house too
I had his front door keyed
I wonder if he'll be surprised
To find me living there?
O...oh I want to be their cuddly toy
Cudd-ely toy... o OH I just want to be their cuddly toy

Micky's one that I have done
He claims he can't recall
But I hope soon that I can say
That I have done them all
Davy, Peter, Michael too...
All three at once my prayer
O...oh I want to be their cuddly toy
Cudd-ely... toy o OH I just want to be their cuddly toy.



Unfortunately, this parody was inspired by the
tall tales of a very small number of scary fans encountered
late at night on one of the more popular Monkees chats.
The names from any four person band can be successfully
substituted for those of the Monkees.



Sally Jesse Monday

to Pleasant Valley Sunday
Alternate Lyrics by Melhi

I see the neighbors down the street
Are telling all on Sally's show
Admitting things about themselves
I didn't really need to know

Another Sally Jesse Monday
Guys who name their underwear
The girls who date the guys
Who look like dames
And they all want to share

See Mrs. Grey she's on today
Because her brother is her groom
And Mr. Green behind the screen
Is being stalked by a cartoon

Another Sally Jesse Monday
Here in TV talkshow land
A guy who claims he built the pyramids
By remote it's Elvis on the lam

Creatures, tortured souls
An heiress on the dole
All tell their tales on my TV
A guy who barks and neighs
At passersby all day
And one who thinks he's greenery


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